¡Hola Papi!: ‘I’m Insecure in my own Bisexuality’

Illustration: Pedro Nekoi

This line first ran in John Paul Brammer’s
Hola Papi
newsletter, that you’ll sign up for on Substack.

¡Hola, Papi!

“therefore i’ve just already been dumped” must be the start of 80 % of emails you get, but I do love jumping on a trend. Yes, I happened to be simply dumped by a date I felt very serious about, and then i cannot assist but feel I forfeited lots of my personal bisexual identity to be able to “prove” my personal emotions for him had been real. We invested a lot of power with this to fight the unyielding misconception that bi indicates cheating and cheating.

Info: bisexualmeet.org

The worst component? It was not also my personal (ex-)partner triggering it! I found myself just therefore scared of dropping him that I killed off one of my personal favorite elements of myself personally.

I believe like i have got a huge void I am not sure what to do with. Prior to this union, I was a chaotic bisexual. Today I believe relegated to beginner status because any (1) heterosexual man does not love me personally any longer. The only path I am able to explain it is like beginning a video game you have played before simply to discover 1 / 2 the figures silhouetted rather than unlocked because your degree is too reasonable.

Papi, exactly what do I do?


Brand-New Bi-ginnings

Hey there, BNB!

You will find very good news for you. I think your own method to this really is all incorrect. It is an underlying cause for occasion. I do not suggest how you feel aren’t good! Although it does suggest I have to be the huge Gay Mythbuster™ right here. Let’s throw some confetti and jump in it.

First of all, now is an excellent chance for you to definitely alter the way you enter romantic connections. Before your spouse actually introduced it up, you decided to downplay your bisexuality to assuage a fear he previouslyn’t actually vocalized.

I could outfit this up most other ways, but i do believe I’ll merely state: Stop that. You may be demonstrating (to yourself) a willingness to lose reasons for having one generate another person convenient plus expected to stay with you. That’s not healthy. Just like it would be unsatisfactory for him to tell you to definitely “tone down” your bisexuality, it ought to be unacceptable for you to do it to yourself.

Next, it may sound as though you your self involve some internalized tropes about bisexuality be effective through. I am totally sympathetic that bi folks often have to navigate stigmas that both directly and gay folks keep. It isn’t fair. But any spouse who does ask you to sacrifice who you really are in order to stick with all of them isn’t any partner you ought to have. It ought to be a huge warning sign.

You are not also offering somebody the chance to love you for every people as you’ve already thrown a pretty considerable part of your self overboard. The concept of getting rejected by somebody we might usually vibe with had been it maybe not for this


about us is actually scary. But the option would ben’t to preempt their judgment by downplaying that element of ourselves. You have to have more religion in the individual you intend to be with.

And today, we could at last get to the core of situations: is the bisexuality without a doubt a video clip game you have ignored? Has actually your storage device already been cleaned thoroughly clean, your own checkpoints lost, the bisexual wrestling hook taken out of the stock and set in the treasure upper body?


It generally does not operate by doing this. You probably didn’t grab the


cartridge from the Queer Nintendo and change it with

Heterosexuality: The Overall Game

. You’ve been playing the exact same video game all along. You’ren’t a heterosexual individual even though you were with this guy; the connection may have been heterosexual, but that does not mean


happened to be. You’re bi all that time. You’re bi before and can likely be bi after.

If you believe utterly compelled to check out through with this specific video-game program of understanding sex, then just pretend you were on a straight side pursuit conquering the Hetero Temple or something like that. Perchance you picked up some things there. Possibly it really is a sword or a slingshot or a dungeon secret, why not? It generally does not matter! Things are probably a simulation in any event. Just who cares?

What truly matters is you walk into the interactions with a good handle on which you might be and generally aren’t prepared to endanger on, whatever the gender or sex of companion. It does not imply you ought to be the absolute most self-confident person on the planet. It doesn’t suggest you need to walk-in firearms blazing and ready to defend your self.

It really means you need to be sufficiently strong enough in who you really are never to negotiate your self out in some sort of that will probably like you doing exactly that. You deserve an individual who loves you for your family, BNB! I hope you are able to do that for yourself as time goes by, irrespective whom will come along then.

Con demasiado amor,


Originally posted on

February 11, 2020


This column first went in John Paul Brammer’s

¡Hola Papi!

publication, which you yourself can join on Substack. Order Brammer’s guide,

¡Hola Papi!: how exactly to appear in a Walmart Parking Lot as well as other existence Lessons


right here